I’ve been consistently going to the gym for over 6 months now, over this time I have learnt not to bully myself because I can’t do a full session. Doing half an hour is better than nothing at all, I used to convince myself into believing a failure is anything less than an hour. So if I have to blow my own trumpet this is when I’m going to do it, so prepare yourself for some self-obsessed, self-encouragement cringy crap to follow. You see I don’t normally blow my own trumpet and very rarely am I on TeamMolly but this past few months I have indeed impressed myself and slowly I’m falling in love with me (finally after years of sickening). Throughout my young life, I have struggled insanely with poor self-esteem and very little confidence that has fallen throughout my educational years to earth-shattering nothing, by the time I quit college just a year in. I despised myself in a whole new light, disappointment and disgust loomed over me excessively. My physical appearance being my biggest hatred and destroyed my “fun” personality into a silent weird type, the silence is never classed as mysterious or cool like it often gets referred to in movies, I, however, was a strong mixture of strange and weird. That classified as the lonely depressive one.
So, I eventually stumbled and found the gym, the pure fulfilment of physical exercise that I’d never even taken notice of before. I fell into the life of health and fitness trying to perfect my summer body in less than a week to both increase my bikini bod and ease my bullying mind into self-acceptance. A strong faiure from the start in the terms of achieving the body of a goddess in under 7 days of an hour session. However I loved every second of hitting the gym and couldn’t wait to get back into it. I know what you’re thinking, yup she’s strange and weird that’s for sure. That is possibly true but I’m well and truly hooked to my very own version of healthy escapism unlike my previous versions of coping. I go to the weighted area and suddenly my mind isn’t full with a hive of depression and anxiety endlessly buzzing just waiting to sting at the worst possible moment. Instead, I’m constantly thinking of weights, form and improvement.
My dedication and motivation to go to the gym where judgement is an increasing worry three or four times a week is an insane improvement for the girl who couldn’t go to the shops by herself just a year ago. Not only have I gone, but I have excelled and I’m getting muscles! The skinny weak gal is no more and I have actual muscles (real-life ones) I can lift a box above my head and my ass is a growing success if I do say so myself. I don’t have a thigh gap any more, a massive yay as when I miraculously miss my mouth my wonderful thunder thighs save my greedy ass from munching off the floor (which of course I have unfortunately previously done, no shame). Not only have I seen physical changes but mental and emotional ones as well, I’m more confident and smiley although I could be confusing this positive persona I have grown, with my meds that have indeed pushed me into this motivation to sweat my way through my mental health issues. We are all now well aware that I have and continue to do so, endure a life with a smidge of depression and anxiety that has altered the way I see myself and the worthless life that surrounds me or that I have convinced myself it is. Years of bullying myself into thinking I’m a mess, my life isn’t worth it and I’m no good. Yet diving into the weighted life has somehow beginning to convince me otherwise, I’m slowly realise that maybe I could change my ways.
Continuing my journey of insecurity within the gym, I have now taken two gym virgins under my wing stealing them into a life of sweat, body aches and protein. An intense and powerful hour, a bit of weights and circuits to make a strong woman cry. My main aim isn’t full-on tears but sweat dripping almost collapsing type of work out is my main goal, not that I know at all what I’m talking about as I’m no PT (would always recommend the knowledge they process) Of course, secretly I’m torn between loving having people think I know what I’m doing and potentially showing them entirely wrong things. My biggest fear. I’ve always been a little paranoid that I’m doing everything wrong and someones just waiting to jump down my throat to correct me. This week it actually happened and boy was it a kick in the stomach, I want to be the type to take on board advice with a high head and not feel embarrassed, intimidated and like basically a massive pile of shit which unfortunately the latter was indeed engrossed the entirety of my day. I know I’m an overthinking mess after all.
You see I have never had a personal trainer myself when I first started at Pure gym meaning I have a tiny niggle in the back of my head whispering that I don’t have a
fucking clue, I’m doing everything wrong, wasting my time and people are laughing at me. This echoes throughout every gym session like my very own disaster soundtrack. I spent the start of my gym life watching people and videos on how their form improves and what exercises they do to achieve my dream body. That’s where I got most of my ideas of routines from and I have seen a fair bit of improvement especially in my arms with greater definition and increasing hard work I will improve this definition to be able to see my improvement without squinting my eyes.
My two amigos join me twice a week for an hour and a half of full unforgiven sweat-fest including free weights, machines and circuits. That’s right chuffing circuits my very own worst nightmare especially now I’ve discovered I sweat form every limb, impossible you’d think! However, it is in fact grossly true. We up our weights and perfect our form week in and week out secretly I’m a sucker for bossing people around and I love that I’m looked at to improve someone else’s self-esteem so to speak. I’m utterly amazed at the work we manage to put in as a group, the weights we up every week and the number of sets we push through even when it gets increasingly hard, abs especially. Having others join me even just for a few hours a week has both improved and slowed my progress within the gym. Let me explain. I love having people with me because it gives my confidence a boost I don’t get when I train alone especially because I know the people so well. We are able to perform in more tasking exercises as there is more of us to encourage one another and create an increasing amount of motivation throughout our sessions. Of course, my training has slowed as I’m showing them new exercises and performing circuits which would never be part of my programme, however, in the long run, this will help as I’m able to train multiple muscles multiple times a week. I want to continue sharing my journey of physical and mental improvement to not only prove myself wrong but prove that I’m able to fight through poor mental health and increase my confidence, self love and management.