Dear the unstable, crazy and overwhelming drunken persona I become.
Although I love you for the amount of confidence, self-love and outgoingness you create and the ability to strive for what you want, our time together is limited. I love you for every ounce of joy and humour you have brought me. Every time you’ve brought me to tears of happiness instead of sadness, every time I have danced instead of broken down. Every time you’ve given me the outrages confidence to do what I want and the fact you’ve made me ease my mental health issues even just for the numbered hours. You my dear and supportive accomplice have helped me tackle many of my demons. Unfortunately, I am beginning to release you are in fact a monster. We have been through these episoides before and I thought I had you under control after the pills kicked in, however I don’t and you have again been set free in an series of sadness, anger and self-destruction. Not to mention the fact you try to destroy everyone around you. You seem to drink, lash out and forget the whole unfortunate event.
I think it must be a family thing of not being able to stop when the pub is calling and alcohol is spiralling into my worst nightmare. In this day and age drinking is second nature to everyone especially people my age with an eye for the “sesh” and hatred of a sober mind. As mental health is on the rise we cling to something to ease our struggles, alcohol, drugs or sex to get out of a demon infested slumber. I know that’s where we like to think we belong, in a world of no thoughts but unfortunately, your demons go along the drunken alley with you and I can no longer trust you to sort it out without creating a whole other heartbreaking headache for my already overrun sober mind to deal with. That frankly doesn’t have the mental energy or capacity to achieve and patch up the mess you leave behind.
You see my mental health has helped to destroy any kind of self-love I had for myself and consequently, my anxiety pushed into overdrive to the point I was having panic attacks and potentially avoid going into social situations because I couldn’t face the fact I was hating. I was silent and struggling through every public hour. Then I discovered the persona created when alcohol is consumed, I become confident and able to talk, dance and do whatever I wanted without fear. I didn’t have a care in the world and for once just for a few hours my mind didn’t fight against itself and I could breathe.
If only we could make a good team, we’d be unstoppable, it’s just unfortunate we are basically Jackal and Hyde. You are indeed an evil twin, you are fearless in a terrible and harmful way, you will fight and argue until you can’t stand even with those you love for tiny little reasons, ones that you can’t understand the next day. Reasoning why many nights have been ruined by my self-indulgent and cruel drunk persona that is unfortunately unstoppable until black and my memory is wiped leaving the anxious and depressed real mind to deal with the aftermath that you have left behind for us.
I know I’m 21 and these tend to be the years you thrive drunk persona, but I’m not going to let you ruin many aspects of my life that the sober me is crazily in love with. I don’t want to be the reasons everyone around me is having a shity time so we are no longer going to be in contact until I can trust myself again to have full control over your actions. Its a sad but unfortunately necessary solution to what we didn’t realise was an issue. We blindly hide from the reality of your ‘joy’ and become manic in the eyes of alcohol. I don’t think it could, should or would be an issue we’d have to face so early on however the atmosphere is dead when you begin and you make us cruel in the wildest ways.
Although now I see that being T-total isn’t in my genes and I can’t say no to a cheeky pint on match day or a glass of prosecco with my mam, but my drunk persona will take a back seat in my life and my sane, sober one will take charge and control of the direction I head in. With ease of mind and confidence I’m not going to crazily fight my boyfriend and start on strangers because a glass will be a glass and a pint will indeed be just a pint not a puddle of confidence fix and increase happiness. I will learn to love myself enough that drink will indeed just be a social necessity not a plunge into my greatness. I will be greatness without the help of ethanol.