This week i’m posting my top ten blogging from 2020
July is around halfway through the year so this week I want to recap this year’s blogs – the top ten pieces that I really think made people rethink or really sparked something in me to make a change.
Number One: Painfully Honest ; January 25th 2020 – https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/painfully-honest/
I’ll begin as I hope to continue, brutally honest. Honesty that I have been afraid to say, that has kept me down and painfully lonely. I’m not alone and nowhere near a tragic back story of being left but I have barricaded myself in a fairy tale type of reality where there’s a good and most defiantly a bad but my fairy tale doesn’t come to a happily ever after where they all settle down to a life of gum drops and sunshine. Just seemingly carrying on in to a place of hidden fear, hidden sadness and hidden loneliness where I waddle through the fields and fled to the dark forest, sitting in the blackness of my own mind. I have made myself aware that I’m the black mark, the baddie or the sadness in my very own little fairy tale. Someone else is living my happily ever after and I can’t seem to understand that it’s me, I’m lost in my own depression unable to be okay with the life I have.
Number Two: The First or Final Steps; February 7th 2020 –https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/the-first-or-final-steps-gym-journey/
Don’t get me wrong since heading to the gym I’ve been lucky enough not to encounter many injuries my back pain I’ve had for years, yet after I began writing this piece, I was struck down with increasing back pain that put a hurtling halt to my gym-ing, for more than two weeks . (hopefully back stronger in the new year.) So, the only thing that has caused me serious motivational lag is my knees. When the dream is to have big legs and a nice perky bum it causes your routine to fall flat on its face. Sometimes more literally then I have intended. Cardio is and always will be my worst enemy I have no intension to hop skip and jump to the bike, rowing machine or even walk on the treadmill ( I know I should but I don’t ) So my gym session have always consisted of weights and circuits, as you can imagine swollen, failing knees was something I couldn’t continue with.
Number Three: How do you see me? ; March 6th 2020 –https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/how-do-you-see-me/
This one is one of my favourites –
Overcoming mental health issues is a strong and powerful achievement, one we should be proud of, one to shout and cheer about, but do we?
No because we are frightened, ok, well I am. Unfortunately my life is on hold and will be for the foreseeable because I’m waiting to see how my mental health can improve or plummet. Awaiting the demons in my head to bite back at my toes, to drag and claw me into the darkness where I can’t breathe or see anything more than blackness. I’m counting every day, sitting on the edge of every seat hoping it’s not today. And when they do creep up on me, I don’t even begin to realise they are sitting on my shoulders pushing me down inside myself until I’m crying in the corner or screaming into nothing. Breathing every instance of darkness, every aspect of my demons clawing at my skin. Just waiting to tear me apart and take me back to my lowest point.
Number Four: The difference between routine and lockdown; April 10th 2020 – https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/the-difference-between-routine-and-lockdown/
How my routine smashes my mental health issues.
I have discovered that in times like these we feel trapped and lost in this era! We have become so accustomed to being able to do what we want when we want, that being trapped in the house seems like the worst thing possible to happen to us so we rush into the world of walking and countryside when normally we would sit in front of the telly without an issue. Don’t get me wrong being coped up with the same four walls surrounding me and the insane personalities blossoming within them has really tested of how much I want to listen to the government guidelines of staying indoors – never mind having a birthday squashed within them.
Number Five: The Black Fog of Depression; May 1st 2020 – https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/the-black-fog-of-depression/
You’re sitting in the most beautiful place. The sun blaring down on you, heating every inch of your skin. A slight breeze that blows the smell of nature into your face, every flower blossoming into full and powerful colours in front of your face. The birds and insects flying, scurrying, and singing to the morning dew. Slowly waking the world into this paradise we have stumbled upon, sharing the peace and sudden relaxation that is brought by the air around us. You sit there a while, watching the world come to life, imagine your breath as synchronised with the breeze in and out in slow deep motions of utter relaxation and contentment. But as you’re slowly coming accustom to the world around you, imagine your eyes adjust and there’s something blocking the view directly in front of them. It’s big, grey, and dark with cracking edges. Burn patches dragging your eyes to focus on pain. It becomes suffocating almost, you can see the world around this darkness carrying on without even batting an eyelid. The birds continue to sing and the insects fly inspecting all the flowers as before and the air is still the air but you, you don’t see it anymore. You can hear the joy of life continuing but it’s different now.
Number Six: My Fictional Happiness mixes with the chaos of life ; May 25th 2020 – https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/my-fictional-happiness-mixes-with-the-chaos-of-life/
How fairy tales gave me false hope? Fairy tales where happily ever after is a common denominator and achieving everything you have dreamed is almost certain. Bedtime stories have always resulted in the same thing, the complete and utter moment of success within a matter of stories. Throughout the book (any good bedtime stories) that never reflects life in the fact we always follow a character who stars with the scene, the problem and ALWAYS result in a successful ending, an overcoming of an issue that five seconds they thought was mind-numbingly life-ending. They have altered the way I see, how I have moved forward with the way I dream my life to be. Although bedtime stories have not been at the forefront of my life, books have always been an obsession.
Number Seven: It’s just a number right? ; June 8th 2020 – https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/its-just-a-number-right/
When we think of Ibs why are we so insanely harsh?
I feel weak, tired and a little chubby. Like everyone else during lockdown I have lost the motivation to do anything. In the first few weeks I started off well, my dad helped me make a bench to drive my passion into actual movement and I was doing upper body more than anything else, (which I have never found much excitement in beforehand. Which is crazy really because chest day is apparently the best day.) Then the sun started burning into my motivation and turned me to day drinking and BBQ inhaling. I know what a sorry excuse; the sun is out so I can no longer train to the effective level, but it seriously did have some effect on the not doing anything segment of lockdown. Now I am torn, weather to feel bad that I’m not doing anything or fall into the relaxation of taking care of my body in different ways. I swap between the two in a constant battle of wits, I exchange sadness for full brutal pleasure in the fact I have no schedule
Number Eight: A Lockdown Series ; June 15th 2020- https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/a-lockdown-series/
Number Nine: My Top 10 Books To Read During Lockdown ; June 23rd 2020- https://admirethebeautiful.com/reviews/books/my-top-10-books-to-read-during-lockdown/
Throughout lockdown I have again brightened my book worm tendencies into full blown obsession and have taken to this wonderful company called A Box Of Stories that have delivered new books directly to my door. In simple terms they basically save stories from being lost forever. Approximately 200,000 titles are published every year in the UK. Just 17% of these are lucky enough to get a decent marketing budget and make it to the ‘Bestsellers’ List created via the media and in bookstores. Among the other 83% are many amazing books and new authors that get squeezed out of sight in the marketing blitz of the selected known bestsellers. And there they stay…undiscovered. So I decided to bunch together some of the best books I’ve read to keep them alive in an unexpected develop of time that of course we have all struggled with but are thankful we are safe.
Number Ten: Medical Trial: My Medication and me; July 14th 2020- https://admirethebeautiful.com/mental-health/medical-trial-my-medication-and-me/
Part Two : Why I decided to stop taking medication
I haven’t had Fluoxetine since January, one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want it anymore as simple as that. I didn’t want to remember every day to take something that was ‘supposedly’ meant to make me feel better. If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to have to take something every day possibly for the rest of my life and I didn’t want to have to take something that was meant to make me feel better, I just wanted to be ‘better’. I wanted to wake up without the worry of whether I’m going to be in a puddle of tears, blood, or anger today. I wanted to be able to walk to the shops on my own or look in the mirror without the recurring feeling of your not worth it echoing in my head and for that to be the most natural thing in the world like many other people can do.