I want to share how I learnt to balance my mental health and my relationship. I’ve been with my partner for nearly six years and boy have we battled incredibly throughout that time. To both keep us sane and keep us on the same team, of course, failing from time to time. In incredible heaps and bounds of heartache and anger. We met when we were still in school, youngsters still finding our feet in the world stumbled across each other. Like many couples, we started off friends and it kind of went from there to the stage we’re at now, where we live to piss each other off till the other cries or punches. Its eventful, in a crazy and enlightening way.
Unfortunately, my mental health has played a big part in the difficulties between us or my paranoid crazy mind has set us on a path that sadly lead to arguments. Inevitably invented by my creeping insecurities pulled at every difficulty normally faced by any couple. I destroyed myself believing I wasn’t good enough, that I was hated and being played by the one person I trusted. Which created many tensions and anxieties within our relationship to the point it was almost toxic for me because of what I believed so strongly especially when university and moving away was thrown into the mix.
Relationships are hard enough never mind throwing an overwhelming amount of depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies into the messy mix of modern-day love. Especially in this day and age where social media, clubs and distance can tear couples apart as easily as it got them together. Taking into account someone else’s feelings, thoughts and decisions every second of the day can be tiring, however, this is something every relationship has to have an understanding of. That inevitability keeps them together throughout. In a relationship with someone who suffers with extreme anxiety can be tiresome no, not can be is most defiantly tiresome. The battle of endless and continuous reassurance sometimes about topics that don’t even seem like a big deal to the other person but are mind numbing to me for example. Watching as the person you love breaks down at any aspect of the day and wishes for the ease of death will be truly heartbreaking, frustrating and hurtful to watch especially where nothing can be done to change it.
As I’ve watched us battle between episodes of crying fits and panic attacks, I’ve come to realise perhaps it’s not my battle alone it’s in actual fact both of us that are trying to overcome whatever the hell this is. I often forget that he faces the full and uncontrolled effects of my poor mental health near enough every day genuinely without complaints or anger in any single way. Of course, no one can endure without eventually breaking into both sadness and anger. Which create a nasty atmosphere to something similar to world war three I can only assume of course.
However, I’m going to give myself a tiny bit of credit here because I know I’ve torn us down on multiple occasions and tried to push us apart several times. Making it insanely difficult for us you be a “normal” couple especially for the young age we were / are. However, I know I’ve lifted us up as well, I’ve supported as well as being supported, I’ve listened and given advice as well as being the one who needed all this. Of course, me more so than him.
You see no matter how difficult it has been we’ve managed to support each other through every aspect of our lives, walk through every argument probably with tears in our eyes but neither the less we made it. Fighting mental health issues with the best of our ability to make each other achieve the best of their ability. As I strongly believe that’s the key to a relationship, understanding you are a team but you also achieve by yourself equally. Surrounded with support, encouragement and admiration not swamped by jealousy, judgement and paranoia towards personal development. I hate to admit during our relationship I endured an overthinking aspect of my life where I was wishing to be achieving half the things he was and taking part in the uni life instead of the corporate ladder which turned into jealousy or envy to my despise.