How my vision of myself stopped me from loving who I am
I’m stuck in a revolving door of self doubt, creative blunder and lacking motivation, the door keeps spinning and I’m unable to jump out and reach my confident, creative and independent self that taunts me from the other side of the glass. Waving at me and showing me what type of person I could or should be, while I’m recklessly tapping at the glass hoping for an escape or some kind of simple gratification that this being has stuck around when others simply disappeared. This ‘being’, Is who I believe I am in my head, a possible persona I have created or dream to be. We all have an idea of who we are, a picture in our head of what we look like but it never matches up and can change in a millisecond. Every time an opportunity arises for this ‘being’ to strive and become reality it fails to escape and my five seconds of courage is nowhere to be seen. I know it’s only myself that can become this made up character that has fooled me into believing there’s a better me waiting to be unleashed like some caged animal. Do I want change or am I just insanely insecure of my current self? Probably the latter.
I dreamed of an awesome life and up until 2017 I strongly believed that eventually I would get it, more likely that one day I was going to wake up and that’d be it. Everything would be great, I’d have this thing called life all figured out, I’d have seem a lot of the world experiencing a lot of different cultures and environments. Most importantly I would be content and happy the majority of the time.
Insecurity comes in many different forms for many different reasons to pretty much all of us, we can’t escape it no matter how much we force ourselves in to false confidence pretending that we have everything and are everything we could ever wish, maybe even stretching to the extremes of pulling others down to try and hide away from our insecurities. Our weaknesses if you will, as mammals we are bred to protect ourselves including emotionally and our downfalls we see as weaknesses that allow others to bite down and possibly destroy everything, we have accomplished. Throughout our lives we experience stages of insecurity that can manifest in a range of different forms such as anxiety, depression and isolation. In a society like ours we tend to compare ourselves heavily to one another in weight, personality and facial features, even something as trivial as our eyebrows could be the making and breaking of a single ounce of self-love. We compare ourselves to models and celebrities that have the time, money and Photoshop to create their perfect and that type of perfect is what many of us aspire to become, no uniqueness just big lips and perfect brows.
I have spiraled from extreme insecurity to false confidence to some type of fake It till you make it self-love that I’m constantly trying to ignite every time I step through the automatic doors at Pure Gym. For me the Gym is a simple way of trying to discover the person I am aloud to love, take care of and be proud of. I know I’m putting in a hell of a lot of effort for a girl claiming to be crippled by depression and anxiety, you’d have thought the energy like many would have been sucked from me and many days it does, I can barley make it a week without having a day like that. However, I’m tired of walking the streets and hating shop windows. I’m tired of being frustrated at every gorgeous person that walks passed me out of sheer jealousy. Maybe that’s because I want to look and have confidence that I believe they carry.