Death. At some point throughout our lives we will all experience the effects of death. The tiring pain and the slow heartache of someone exiting your life in such a traumatic way. The battle of belief with heaven and hell and the feeling of not only loss but being lost. Where do we go? What happens when our time is finally up? Is there a better place? Or a pill I can take to deal with the fact somebody is not around anymore or didn’t even get the chance to live?
I have struggled with loss insanely over the past six years, each time stabbing me deeper every time, crushing into my mind and spreading the heartache throughout my entire body. Although I try to hide it, I have always been a little bit sensitive, other people’s loss hits me like a knife slowly pushing through my ribcage till I can’t breathe just like my own. A pain that I obsess over even in the death of people I don’t know. Not only do we cry but we feel empty. Lost, confused and walking through our lives in autopilot trying to figure out what the hell is going on and how we can keep our mind madly distracted to just be able to function. I think losing someone is different every time, hopefully you are lucky enough not to have to deal with this as recently. However, every time I have ‘coped’ differently, either pushing it down into the land of forgetting and burying every feeling, openly weeping in the street, pretend it never happened or lost like a child or one of those Blanks that aren’t robot things from “Worlds End” when the world reboots. I walk around not knowing, feeling utterly out of my surroundings. A dazed drunk just without the alcohol benefits of not thinking, the sickly feeling follows me and my head spins like I’ve been dancing for the past four hours, this has never happened before.
I know I’m old enough now to deal with the fact that no matter how hard we wish no-one can live forever and if we’re being really honest the world is a shitty place where pain and death surrounds us in this globe of devastation. And bluntly I should just get over the fact that this is going to happen only a handful of times if I’m lucky. I’m getting a little poetic here so let’s take a step back. I should be able to deal with this type of pain, especially having seen and felt it so many times within my twenty odd years. However this time is harder than the first time I experienced losing someone, the first time I actually was old enough to understand what has happened I didn’t know how to react, I wanted to protect my mum seeing her in utter heartbreak was sole destroying and I promised myself I wouldn’t never add to my mams pain, I held every inch of grief so far and deep down that I never actually began to grieve at all till much later on. Which of course added to the downward spiral of my decaying mental health.
I’m now filled to the brim with guilt of how harshly I have reacted to each loss differently, I have ignored it and let it break me into a million pieces from different people and by god I feel sick at the thought one affects me more than the other. Will everyone think I loved one more than the other because I was broken utterly broken and totally holding on for the others.
I for one and I’m sure many others will be in the same boat paddling towards confusion island. Believed that grieve was only a feeling when someone had passed away. However, I have being drowning in grieve for relationships, friendships and people that have only moved hours away. I have this thing about people believing I’m strong, I think it’s a defence mechanism so I don’t get hurt in this big old world. So, I shut my feelings down and pretend I’m all good until the inevitable happens and I explode in to self-pity, anger and an overload of depressive episodes.
I miss them all heartbreakingly so.