The holiday was drawing in and our countdown had begun, so the bikini bodies were something that was constantly on my mind, I couldn’t focus on anything but getting one of these perfect bodies that I see constantly throughout my timeline and splashed on every ad during the summer months with happy faces and flawless skin. How dare they.
In my quest for the perfect Instagram body that I didn’t even realise I wanted, I started the gym. Yes the girl who hasn’t done any kind of physical exercise since barely participating in Year 9 PE, I committed myself to three months at the gym on Granville Road, you know the one, where you go past to head to Mcdonalds or in to town and you hate every single one of the people running in the window . I wanted to get fit, feel better and have a positive mental change in the way I see myself. Hoping to love myself even just a little bit more I dived in to trying a personal trainer to guide me, a trial session that lasted about 20 minutes brought nothing but panic, a mind-blanking panic where everything we talked about seemed to fly throughout my head into a forgotten zone of nothing, in other words I have no idea what machines to use, what I need to train or how to do it but are surrounded by people that put my noodle arms to deep shame.
I gave myself the holiday deadline to push myself into this change, that will both challenge my physical and mental state. The gym seemed to be the place to challenge this and discover how dedicated I am, in getting the summer now winter dream bod . A countdown for both me and my boyfriend to get our motivation flying was the only thing that could work, although I wasn’t sure I’d go or even have the guts to walk through the doors when the walls are windows and I feel everyone stare at me walking down the street never mind running in a window with skimpy, tight gym clothes that show my skinniness in the worst possible way. We got there and we trained. When I say trained we slowly became less and less enthusiastic as time clocked on and getting to the gym was more challenging for both of us, especially when the pub was open and McDonald’s were so close. However as I carried my training on throughout the three months of my contract I became even more unsure of myself as I looked around the gym floor and began to heavily compare myself to the people that surrounded me
I thought my insecurity of entering the gym, getting changed in the gym and having the motivation to train in the gym without believing everyone is staring into the back of my head would improve over the few months I have been there but my mental capability doesn’t seem to alter. Unfortunately, I get stuck in my own head and no matter how loud my music gets or how hard I work I can’t train myself to not give a single care if people are staring or not. I get stuck in the thoughts that I’ll never achieve my true happiness with any part of myself physically, emotionally or mentally. I believe my strive for perfection is too strong for me to contemplate that I’ll ever be good enough for myself never mind anyone else in the world. When you think of insecurity you instantly think it’s the fear of what people will think about you and that you will more likely have been bullied to cause these feelings. Instead of the fact you look in the mirror and feel physically sick because of what stares back at you.
I didn’t think I’d be influenced by this as I’ve always being pushed to believe that everyone wants to be skinny so I can’t feel bad about myself. It took me several months to fully understand that social media is a platform where life is magnified and blown out of proportion to share only the wonderful things that happen. We think of a picture as what has happened continuesly throughout that time where as the real story could see a breakdown of tears or an argument between a couple that just posted a loved up shot on a beach.