How do you see me?

How do you see me?

How depression has changed my relationships

Overcoming mental health issues is a strong and powerful achievement, one we should be proud of, one to shout and cheer about, but do we?  

No because we are frightened, ok, well I am.  Unfortunately my life is on hold and will be for the foreseeable because I’m waiting to see how my mental health can improve or plummet. Awaiting the demons in my head to bite back at my toes, to drag and claw me into the darkness where I can’t breathe or see anything more than blackness. I’m counting every day, sitting on the edge of every seat hoping it’s not today. And when they do creep up on me, I don’t even begin to realise they are sitting on my shoulders pushing me down inside myself until I’m crying in the corner or screaming into nothing. Breathing every instance of darkness, every aspect of my demons clawing at my skin. Just waiting to tear me apart and take me back to my lowest point.  

I’m in the process of learning my contentment, my achievements and how to manage my negative mind. I have endless battles and uphill climbs still to endure on my journey and many moments of contentment still to find but I have walked, probably fallen out of my darkest periods in my life motivated to achieve something, even if it is brushing my hair and leaving the house. I hit rock bottom and fested in the mess of my life for a long time until I couldn’t bare feeling useless, feeling like the world was too good for me. Something had to change, which is where medication came in. Slowly I could swollow my sadness and rise motivation for some kind of change. I closed off the sadness and hid it waiting for it to explode back on to the scenes.  

Taking on this journey, I have realised I will continue to carry a grey cloud around with me, a cloud of unsurity, doubt and pain that can shower over me at any time, but this cloud isn’t just from me. As I’m more content I have begun to open my eyes to the people around me and how they see me, it’s changed. Not only am I fighting my negative mind but contemplating the negativity of others as well.  I’ve finally taken the world around me into my view and halted on my self-obsession to see just a glimpse of how much the treatment gave to me has changed throughout the years.  How I have gone from just a “normal” girl to someone who is easily hurt, someone who is broken and tired. Who you cannot be honest with and share with because you fear for their mental capability. You’re worried a simple slip of the tongue will bring them down, send them hurtling back in to the darkness they are just beginning to step away from. They unfortunately believe that you can’t take on more than one thing while in recovery, you can’t face stresss head on and win.

They see me as weak, sensitive and broken, as much as they want to believe I have come out the other side into the bright, powerful and “happy” creature I probably once was. A person I can no longer remember, a person I probably wouldn’t even recognize and a person they probably wish I still was.  They can’t bring themselves to believe I’m not on the verge of a breakdown, it’s like they are walking on glass in utter fear that one slip word will bring me down to a sharpening crack and I’ll tumble right through the glass bringing every single person with me.  Witnessing my downfalls, my emotional pitfalls have undoubtedly scarred them. I don’t blame them either, watching someone wither into darkness is a horrible thing to endure and I say endure because it’s true, its cruel emotional journey to have to walk through. It’s painful, scary and no doubt a truck load of stress comes along with secondhand depression.  Deep down they don’t think I can make it, they don’t believe I can carry tasks without having a mental break and falling into the pit of despire that I have indeed called my home.  They are scared and they have every right to be. But I can’t help but feel angry, angry that they don’t believe in me or they don’t think that I can do it. My brain won’t allow me to thin rationally like they are trying to protect me during my journey of self-improvement or help me develop by keeping me in a sane and steady environment like any other well-balanced mind would probably think.  They want to encourage and watch me achieve without the fear of seeing me on the verge of life and death but all i can see through my hazy eyes are disbelief, failure and sadness.

Secondhand depression, is real and utter heartbreaking. The closest people around me who have seen and breathed every instance of my pain themselves, although they may not know every detail but by god they see the effects it has had! They see and feel every tear, it’s sad tiring and a little irritating to live and love someone who is suffering so much. Having to stand by and watch as the one you love is crying in the corner with no answers as to why, or wishing for the ease of endless sleep is damaging in itself and unfortunately these are often overlooked and not even thought about or helped in anyway. It’s a hard path to endure and not only has it mental effects but physical ones as well, its surrounded by guilt, sleepless nights and a handful of other traumatic events spiralling into their own mental health issues. 

Not only should we be talking more about mental health issues and suicidal thoughts but help for the loved ones of those who are suffering. If you are struggling, know someone who is or want some more information contact mental health helplines who are there to help you or your loved one!

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