My inner fears of body shape
Throughout the past eight years I have been entirely focused on my posture and slightly obsessed with the shape of my back consistently rechecking to see if my curve has indeed got curvier (by annoying my family and boyfriend into weekly or sometimes daily checks.) If by magic my metal rods have broken free and are now floating around my body.
Okay you got me, I haven’t been perfect on my posture but give a girl a break, I’ve been sitting uncomfortable for the past 8 or so years give me a little slouch every now and then, yet I get punished with never ending pain leading to my downfall of no gym! It’s almost barbaric that I have to deal with the pain after the operation. I’m milking it but what you gotta do for a little bit of attention around here. Sympathy has come and gone when it comes to my back because indeed it is something, we all expect when it comes to me, something that hasn’t left me alone since before I was 13 years old when really, it’s something a 70-year-old would expect to live with.
Of course, metal cannot be bent unless I have a magic set of bones that have super strength (wouldn’t be that hard to believe). Turning my titanium into the simple shape of a roundabout and my underlying fear, a sudden and heartbreaking reality which I’m yet awaiting to happen. My paranoia has recently been in over drive, waking up and shaking my toes in the sudden fear that I no longer feel them, that although I can move and have rolled several million times since I got in bed, my mind still flickers to the tragic. Thank the gods this hasn’t yet happened and I don’t think it’s possible. Although I don’t make it out, I’m one of the lucky ones. I had the operation, I came out of it and recovered full function and hardly any changes to the life I had before. .
However at the moment my back pain is increasing and seems to be none stop, no painkillers ease it and I’ve had to give up the gym for a week or two (I’m not allowing it to stop me for more than that though. Either stupid or dedicated I can’t decide.) This has not only affected me physically but mentally and socially as well. I was beginning to get into the habit of consistently going to the gym throughout the week, my diet was cleaning up and my weight was increasing. Yet now I have no output of physical and mental frustration, I’m drowning myself in comfort food and I like getting home and eating before 8 at night. I don’t wanna start no pity party however if you’d like to grab a drink and get comfy because it’s about to get a little bit pity me shit for a while because boy am, I bored of this daily ache. Like I’m old before my time, I moan and groan at every stand, I’m grumpy, groggy and pretty much intolerable. Having pain consistently throughout the day genuinely with only sleep easing it enough to relax, you’re gunner be a little bit mardy aren’t you? Someone tell me I have the right to feel a little bit aggy. Not only do I have to contend with back ache, uncomfortable positions and the inability to touch my toes but my anxiety, paranoia and slight hurtful depression runs in to an exceptional amount of overdrive to compensate for the fact I’m fully and overloadingly scared of the worst outcome becoming a reality. I have this thing where I’m absolutely convinced, I’m destined for sadness, pain and devastation to spiral into my life at every opportunity.
As you have probably discovered I am infact an insane drama queen, I need attention to live and the slightest inconvenience becomes the front-page news of my life. With my back it’s no different, I must admit I was a little embarrassed by it at the start and by a little I mean a whole shit load of embarrassment surrounded my body shape, my scar and odd bits and bobs that have now killed all my self-confidence I didn’t have in the first place. I was called brave for the decision to have this ‘life’ changing operation but in reality, I wasn’t brave, I was barely even aware of what was happening I did what I thought everyone wanted. There’s no two ways about it I was hardly a teenager on the verge of being the Hugo of Westfield without the romance, the happy ending or the songs but an over emphasis of hunchback in Hunchback of Notre Dame. (Obviously, the Disney remake.) I was of course scared but it didn’t really come in to my head and I honestly thought that I wouldn’t have an issue afterwards but here we are 8 years down the line with pain that I have never felt before, but people are trying to convince me it can’t have anything to do with my scoliosis and it’s probably muscle from the gym. But am I convinced, I’m not so sure and to tell you the truth I’m scared of the worst and I’m even more worried that I won’t be able to go back to the gym, my only mental escapism that actually improves my mood disappearing could indeed be catastrophic. I’m more scared now than, the nearly teenage girl at the start of this journey, oh how I wish I had her patience, courage and mindset to ease me back into reality from the world of pain I have made up. or convincing myself so.
So what happens now? Do I encourage changes, hospital visits and physio or do I suck it up and take the pain like a king pretending it isn’t happening!