I’ve written about the same thing in different mindsets for the past few years and this 800-word piece isn’t going to be any different, instead of crying over the keyboard or furiously typing trying to motivate my own change as well as awareness for poor mental health. I’m instead numb to it all, I’m looking in on my own life watching it pass by without being able to stop or change a single thing.
I’m not sure if everything that is happening is real or just a story of my own imagination. Whether people have actually said mean things and glared at me as I walked down the street or if I’m so against any kind of self-growth. I’ve created these glares and tormenting words with my own damaging opinion then nailed them into my mental health’s coffin piece by piece killing any kind of self-love, acceptance or confidence that was ever there.
You see I’ve been told that as I take the leap into therapy for the outstanding fourth attempt of bettering myself, that it’s only going to get worse before it can even get better and I’m not sure I’m ready to dive back into the worst place I’ve ever encountered. I’m already seeing the emotional effects of trying to change my negative thoughts. Up to now I have battled with uncontrollable outburst of tears and anger just flowing out of me without my built-up persona to protect both myself and the outside world from my inner demons. Before I was able to pull it back and push it down as soon as a session had finished, I’d be able to switch a bad day into something some people would recognise as a normal day without them even noticing I’ve just endured one of the worst hours of the week. Now a bad day is just a terribly bad day, regrettably I can no longer hide it from you all and the entirety of my emotions flood into your life, the whole lot, anger outburst and insane tears. However, the majority of my ‘bad’ days are full of endlessly snotty tears and unfortunately, I’m nothing like movie criers that keep it classy and sometimes a little cringy. I’m loud, red faced and kinda overwhelming when crying, it becomes something that once it starts its incredibly hard to stop.
I’m told that I’m unable to read the difference between opinion and fact with anything to do with myself (I know how incredibly self-absorbed I sound, I hate it as well.) which explains why I make sure I don’t push myself out there regularly and seem to have a ‘resting bitch face’ because I’m probably freaking out about all the things you think about me before you even think them. Over the past few weeks I’ve been asked to keep track of my thoughts during any time I’m feeling particularly anxious and see if I can challenge the negative thought that first pops into my head. Of course, this hasn’t been going well at all and slowly I’m losing faith in the whole you can change your negative automatic thoughts spiel I hear every week.
As I’m looking in on every aspect of my life, I’m learning new things about myself and the world we see around us. I’m finding it hard to look at myself in grave detail but I know how much awareness has improved for mental health over the past few years and I’m so proud of that. Yet there’s a part in society that feels embarrassed to speak about it still, a part that wants to avoid it at all cost because frankly it can be awkward and frightening. Unfortunately, I’m included in that section that is afraid to speak about it, I get anxious and try to avoid it at all costs. It seems I’m only able to speak about mental health, in particular my poor mental health, from behind a computer screen. I didn’t want to tell my ex employer that I had to go to therapy every week so couldn’t have shifts on a certain day so I left, I don’t want to talk about my blogs with anyone I know because I’m scared they’ll think I’m weak or see me as someone they have to worry about or even think that I’m crazy. Many people don’t understand this and can’t see that it’s far easier to quit and fake it than to be vulnerable and afraid of responses.
I can’t wait for the day mental health loses this stigma of awkwardness and suddenly having poor mental health is like breaking your leg, meaning you are able to talk about it and receive the support you need, without being forgotten off the list, without being brushed under the carpet but taken seriously.