Medical Trial: My Medication And Me

Part Two

Why I decided to stop medication

I haven’t had Fluoxetine since January, one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want it anymore as simple as that. I didn’t want to remember every day to take something that was ‘supposedly’ meant to make me feel better. If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to have to take something every day possibly for the rest of my life and I didn’t want to have to take something that was meant to make me feel better, I just wanted to be ‘better’. I wanted to wake up without the worry of whether I’m going to be in a puddle of tears, blood, or anger today. I wanted to be able to walk to the shops on my own or look in the mirror without the recurring feeling of your not worth it echoing in my head and for that to be the most natural thing in the world like many other people can do. Medication was never really on the radar for me and something I never thought I would need. It was something I was embarrassed to need until my eyes were opened to the fact that I wasn’t living, I was barely surviving from one day to the next within my own cloud of black fog. The medication was to make me feel like I didn’t hate myself or want to cry anymore and I guess if you look at it, it worked, and I didn’t feel anything at all. During my time on Fluoxetine, I was able to work on the things I hated and improve myself to a point I didn’t have to feel like I knew nothing but hate. I was able to hide behind this and ignore my feelings of insecurity, anger, and sadness. Taking steps to improve my mindset and more importantly (to me) my physical appearance. I’m proud that I have come out of the other side and glad that I took the steps to have medication because it helped me to get out of bed, to clear my head of darkness enough for me to see what I needed to take charge of. I’m glad that my partner encouraged me to know that it was okay to need a little helping hand, that it was okay to reach out and understand that I was not weak for asking for it.

However, I have always had these to fall back on, always the opportunity to get back these little pills that create someone that doesn’t wake up and hate everything back into my life with very little fuss. I have since returned to the doctors for other things and because I haven’t had these since January, they have taken them off my repeat prescription and my support fall back has disintegrated in front of my face. Don’t get me wrong I’m doing okay without them, yes lockdown has been tough, but it has for everyone. Although not having anything to fall back on in case one day it gets too much and I need something, that scares me. I have convinced myself I don’t need them, and I have promised myself I can be okay without the added help but what if I’m not. What if I fail myself and fall crumbling into the tear ridden monster I was before. Without the ease of taking that away and not allowing myself to go back with the help of medication, I fear I will be back where I started before the therapist and this very blog. What if I need them again and am no longer strong enough to ask, what if I fall hopelessly and let everyone down. I’ve convinced myself yet again that I’m going to fall and fail, I’m going to relapse further and deeper into the darkness, losing the battle and dragging the ones I love into it with me, replaying the worst moments of my mental health journey again. My inner voice sparks again with its wisdom of failure, I don’t deserve happiness like this so something much worse must be around the corner.

I’ve bullied myself into believing that I’m never going to be happy, never going to be content so to prepare myself for it to come crashing down around me in burning black smoke. I’m so worried about everything that’s about to happen or things that may never happen that I forget how far I have come. I forget that its okay to have depressive moods, it’s okay to cry and be anxious. That I shouldn’t overthink into something that I’m scared of, someone so worried about hurting anyone else. To the point, I will hide my mental health issues until I blow out in rage instead of helping them to understand it. I forget how much I and many other people have battled through to get to this point. Fuck am I proud of us! And so should everyone else be, battling mental health issues isn’t something that happens overnight, not something that can be cured or fixed its an ongoing battle that takes strength and a hell of a lot of determination ( I often forget this myself sometimes). Even if you don’t feel strong or motivated every day you are owning it, I swear to god if you didn’t hear it today you should be proud of every day you wake up!

During my short but improving time on Fluoxetine I had few moments of mental improvement but more stages of finding things I enjoyed doing while I was crippled in self-hate, insecurity, and anger that I hadn’t before being able to place. I took the time from my previous emotional and damaging moods to improve sectors of my life I could control for example; I changed my job from a place that was miserable, stressful and had next to no support to somewhere I actually enjoy going in, to nicer people and improving working life that is overrun with support. That has not only helped me feel like I am worth it but lead me to a working balance I am happy with, a routine I was comfortable in before lockdown put a stop to this balance. I discovered the gym and how physical exercise improved my mood and the love I have for creating the body I want. Saying goodbye to the ‘skinny’ girl I was to the improving physique of muscle gain which has been one of the biggest areas of self-doubt. I also took the opportunity to explore areas of my writing and focused more interest in writing my blog for the joy instead of turning to it when I had nothing but sadness on my mind, leading to a zone of depressive tendencies upsetting me further and ruining writing for me when I was in my higher moods. I had and have improved the aspects of my life that were piling on top of me, creating my depressive moods into something I wasn’t able to control and monitor. For the first time in a long time I can actually say I’m ok and whole heartedly mean it, I have had obstacles recently that I know previous Molly would have fallen flat on her face screaming and crying but now I have just got on with it and this, this is why I decided to stop taking Fluoxetine because I know I can manage now and I’m not afraid to ask for the support if I need it.

I’m so thankful for the medication for giving me the realization of the things I could change to improve my life and help my depression. I’m grateful for the chance to ease my busy and self-destructive mentality and I’m hopeful that everyone that needs these to get through the day, to help them live a life they deserve are brave enough to take them. To seek help and get advice as well as don’t feel judgement or embarrassment about taking them because they work, because you deserve to not hate yourself and to not be overrun by sadness and anxiety. Or any other mental health issues. I would like to think that everyone who feels they need a little help would reach out to myself, their family or friends, or even services that can provide medical and emotional support.

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