I’m two months deep into my very own medical trial. As I’ve mentioned before medication hasn’t been at the top of my list for the mental health help I have needed. I believed that medication would indicate I’m actually crazy and people would run in the opposite direction. Not only that but change my entire outlook on life and who I am, I believed I wouldn’t function and be an outer shell of myself. Frankly, at the start, I think I was just scared to be labelled as someone with mental health problems because in actual fact I was only battling myself, I was convinced I didn’t know who I was and why I was continuing to walk on the earth. Which in the end is what turned me towards an alternative option to survive the effects of depression and anxiety.
However, I have discovered that although my emotions seem to be on hold, my shoulders are lighter and I am able to walk through my life with a genuine thirst for chatter. I smile more, interact more and feel like getting out of bed isn’t really as difficult as it used to be. Since starting these tiny pills of contentment, I have been high on life, everything that has “held” me back in my past adventures has now been able to settle in the back of my mind. Not forgotten or anyway less utterly heartbreaking but not piercing at my every thought that more than likely caused most of my depressive periods. I hear my nagging inner voice less and less, the sharp whispers of “your no good”, “look at you compared to her” and the forever favourite “why bother waking up when you don’t do shit” has eased and turned slightly more positive as the weeks have gone on.
During my journey of mental health, I have battled many a demon but I have been lucky enough to have people to turn to and people that pushed me into the mental health help, I probably needed to give me the opportunity to grow into the person I am today. I have seen counsellors and sat in front of CBT therapist with the opportunity to try and improve my state of mind, I have recently been given the opportunity to continue with this method and dive back into weekly discussion of my thoughts and chipping away at why my past has broken me in so many different ways. I have walked away from that opportunity not because I’m ungrateful , or am now a happy go lucky ray of sunshine but because I’m working on my self in the most positive way and one day I hope I’ll be able to look back and think it’s time to talk about it. That sitting and reliving every moment that has tormented me week in and week out will send me back to the very start of my journey and I know for certain I’m nowhere near strong enough to do that yet.
I’m finally at the stage in my young life where I’m relatively happy, my self-confidence is growing little by little every single day, I’m slowly learning to love my body and every inch of improvement I am making. I feel I want to talk to people, actually get up in the morning and the most important for the people around me, I’m not a wired up ball of utter psycho. I don’t feel the need to argue about everything and try and kick off when one sip of alcohol is consumed.
Am I pushing my heartbreak down and waiting for me to explode? Possibly but I’m finally at a level in my life where my shoulders don’t feel as heavy and I’m loving this freedom and a clear head for the first time in years. Yeah, the side effects of no emotion can be pretty hard to understand or manage especially in the first few weeks. I was searching for what I was feeling and there was nothing there, I couldn’t really understand it and I was kinda freaked out but at the same time, I was pretty ok with the fact I didn’t have a black cloud over my head.
Although I understand that many people say there’s no chance of feeling or understanding happiness without a little sadness, I’m prepared to feel nothing while I grow to a steady level of confidence. For the first time in my life, I’m not embarrassed about who I am, I have got depression, anxiety and I have endured insane amounts of loss within a short period time and I have and am battling severe body image issues due to scoliosis while I was younger. I’m now not going to beat myself up for what I think are failures, knock downs or heartbreaking, I’m going to push myself to love every scar, thought and embarrassing moment.
This change has not only altered my mental health but also my physical health as well, I’ve been hitting the gym harder and for the first time since I was 13, I can touch my toes without bending my knees! This small achievement was insane for I haven’t been able to since before my scoliosis! I’m finally able to walk through the gym without fearing away from it and instead of wishing to sleep I’m enjoying living in the most bizarre way!