On Tuesday 14th April, I awoke at the top side of the morning, sharp, before everyone else in my house at 6:00 am to start another day of isolation. I have endured a nightmare of the modern-day world where technology, wifi and megabytes have been spinning around my head from the night before. Harshly praying on the self-obsessed and insecure part of my brain that brings out the majority of my mood swings. I have tried to raise confidence and encourage my own empowerment, however, I am stuck with weaknesses that many people known or unknowingly manage to push, to get under my skin and pushing me to my breaking point. How can I let something so trivial knock my mood into the reality of sleepless nights, teary eyes and my sharp, harsh and regular headache back into my life. So with anger, tears and a mindnumbing headache rasing from the bottom of my stomach, I jumped out of bed and left the house with frost at my toes and my brain spilling over with fuzziness from nothing. To ensure I didn’t overstep my very own anger persona blowing into a full-frontal rage fired at one particular. Although that part of my personality is often in control awaiting that little thing that awakes the inner bubbling lava of rage – I like to think of my “inside out” mind as widely colourful with masses of yellow, however, I know I’m a little redder with an extra little splash of blue, making the majority of me. I feel I have to battle myself and often my anger comes in splashes and waves that last over days, I try and push them down, explode eventually – its the explosion we gotta worry about. Inside out has always been a film that has managed to make me cry, maybe because it’s so real, it’s a kids film that hits at mental health in a whole new level. I see myself.
“That’s Anger. He cares very deeply about things being fairJoy, opening narration
I’m one of the lucky ones, I have a mass of fields, woods and hills to explore at the back of my house and a garden big enough to take full advantage of the sunnier days, I know they’re some that have nothing other than their walls. The daily exercise can happen in the surroundings of beautiful landscapes, often forgotten in the hustle and bustle of life. I walked and thought and listened to music before realising the world isn’t clogging my ears with life anymore, I can’t hear cars, people or hustle of buildings which are scary and lonesome feelings. Only birds, sheep and highland cattle echoing in the silence. I walked slowly to ease my legs back into the movement but my brain was racing with nothing, I couldn’t pinpoint the problem I am forcing upon myself, I had nothing going on but nothing other than everyone on my mind. I was slowly falling into my old ways of sadness. When I made it to the bench that’s not a bench anymore, that could have meant something. I was on the verge of relaxation almost like a ten-minute gym session in comparison to the improvement of my mental health. (it’s true what they say fresh air blows the cobwebs off) I sat there a while, listening to the morning wake up with the sun hitting me in the side of the face heating my bones and waking me up from the sleepless night I had endured. I thought about the things I get annoyed at and that frankly push me to the edge. I thought about the weight on my shoulders and the increasing desperation to be back in my routine. Discovering in turn that I need to be a little more forgiving of myself and everyone around me. I need to work on not letting words or action really spike through me, I know that sounds insane and a little robotic but during this climate, I really can’t be “rage rhino” or letting my emotions drag me to a place I’m unable to rediscover my motivation and empowerment to survive. Why? Because right now not many of us have an escape, maybe a morning walk or reading your favourite book but no way to leave the house and distress without close contact with those you live with.
I know we are all in the same boat, surrounded by the people we live with is wearing thin. The repetitive days and constant contact with different personalities that we often get along with coming tiresome and frustrating. I’m battling no only my own demons but everyone’s around me, my head pounding from trying to keep my routine, from hopelessly trying to be busy and happy, from failingly wanting to do stuff together to achieve something together. I have lost muscle mass, weight and motivation to achieve anything at all. This in itself is something that has helped to destroy the progress I have made, my days are getting longer and my mood is getting darker. I feel it behind my eyes, they are sore, worn and tragically blurry.