Don’t worry this isn’t a post of self-clarification where “New Year New Me” is tossed around for the first few weeks of the new year then reality sets in and we stumble back to the same people we were just a few days ago. – Why? Because unfortunately we are whole heartedly stuck in our ways, and the fact we have moved into a new year won’t change the fact we are indeed stubborn humans.
I will probably be the same self-indulged, psychotic, insecure woman child that I was in 2019 at the end of 2020 but I will however have learnt and experienced some valuable things in the process. I as always have high hope for the year ahead when I’m faced with 01-01 in the date, for some reason my mind jumps to hope, motivation and happiness, although my fatigue is catching up with me from the tiresome year that was 2019. Not to mention I will be a glowing 10st with abs and an ass for days. Ok –ok, so dreams, goals, hopes or resolutions are of course a good thing but should we only set these in the start of a new year and forget about self-improvement throughout the rest of the 12 months. Should we only think about what we want to change in January or year through? Should we focus on self improvement only in the first month of the year.
I believe there’s already too much pressure on us as a society to be “perfect” and it’s kinda tiring to believe I have to think of something I want to change especially when my brain targets me into the devastating conclusion that my failures are eternity long and the list of goals and resolutions spirals on. Suffering with mental health issues (even at this lax level) I have struggled with the happiness of the festive period, the social side of this time of year gives me headaches and the strength to be as Santa is, a tubby jolly man in a suit is emotionally, physically and mentally draining. Then to welcome the new year in by thinking of ways to improve my already harming mind, not only tiresome but something I convince myself I have to achieve.
I would like to think that a new year isn’t an excuse to come up with a bunch of unrealistic goals that you beat yourself up with for the foreseeable but to wipe the slate clean. For me I’m saying a final goodbye to a year of ups and increasing downs, I’m thankful for a lot of things that 2019 has given me but I’m not gunner lie I’m so glad it’s over. I’m grateful for the opportunity I have within my career although I wouldn’t class it as a career just yet. I’m thankful for the people around me and the increasing support I have been given as we have faced some of the toughest moments over the past few years. We have lost those that have held our family together for so long, that will always be a massive gap in our family. I have drifted from medication to hurting realisation that I in fact have and will continue to suffer with my own mind. I know many people will have a good idea of what they think my new year’s resolutions should be, “stop drinking”, “put weight on”, “start taking your meds”, “stop being so angry” and so on. But these are factors that take more than the 12 months or reality of a dedicated four weeks to alter these strong personality traits, stop drinking being the main one because for some reason a lot of people think I have a serious issue with the liquid ( I ponder this thought with a G&T). But to tell you the truth I’m happy, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. I feel like 2020 may be the turning point for me, where my back is no longer holding me at a limit, my mind isn’t reliant on pills (medically prescribed btw) or alcohol to get me through the days and I’m actually looking forward to getting out of bed, well maybe not looking forward to but certainly not dreading having to leave it. I know I have faced a lot of judgement and done my fair share in return, but that’s the human in us and to be completely honest I’m not really heartbroken anymore by anything that is fired in my direction. Of course, there’s a little sting of insecurity that smashes at me but it no longer keeps me up at night planning my revenge and hope of utter people pleasing tendencies that apparently, I lack.
So, 2020, please be kind. Be full of magical moments and insane personal development that not only leads to clarity in mental and physical fitness but the small leap of liking myself just a inch more than last year. Be okay with the fact I may not be where I want to be in life and be totally in control of the fact that life is fast paced and there’s no way, I will be who I wanted to be when I was 10 years old. I now realise how unrealistic my ten year old hopes were, that I should be high in a career I’m in love with, house of my own and well and truly travelled. Don’t let us lose anymore, I don’t think we can take the grief. But most importantly keep us sane, utterly mentally stable and stronger than the years before.