A new outlook on the tiresome fairy tale I have created
I’ll begin as I hope to continue, brutally honest. Honesty that I have been afraid to say, that has kept me down and painfully lonely. I’m not alone and nowhere near a tragic back story of being left but I have barricaded myself in a fairy tale type of reality where there’s a good and most defiantly a bad but my fairy tale doesn’t come to a happily ever after where they all settle down to a life of gum drops and sunshine. Just seemingly carrying on in to a place of hidden fear, hidden sadness and hidden loneliness where I waddle through the fields and fled to the dark forest, sitting in the blackness of my own mind. I have made myself aware that I’m the black mark, the baddie or the sadness in my very own little fairy tale. Someone else is living my happily ever after and I can’t seem to understand that it’s me, I’m lost in my own depression unable to be okay with the life I have. I have lost myself in a world where I only see the wicked witches and captain hooks in shapes of depressive episodes and panic attacks. I see my life as dark, nothing more nothing less and I can’t grasp the fact that I’m in the process of creating the life I want, the life of contentment. I’ve left the majority of the toxic pieces of the insanely depressive me behind and truly working on the rest to evolve my mind of fairy tales into the reality of contentment, allowing myself to not only be present but be okay with whatever the present has to offer.
Throughout 2020 I hope to be able to love myself just enough that I can open up about my life, about my feelings and choices as I step towards a somewhat contentment life. I hope that they will be a bigger more openly trusting relationships between myself and the world, no fear no embarrassment, just pure and utterly empowering honesty. Not just hiding behind the face of a computer screen, but face to face with people that know me. To not hide behind a front of happiness or my popular face of heartlessness, but to embrace the fact that I’m angry, passionate, loving and desperately needing attention to survive. Utterly in full relation to Tinkerbell. Finally, be okay with everything I face without any crippling negativity or at least be okay with the negative and spiarl into a pit of well despair. As we’ve stepped through to the new decade the majority of people will have stepped through to make new resolutions, goals and / or targets to achieve throughout the year to improve themselves and their lives, common ones like losing weight or saving money are well and truly worn but they are still made, still encouraged and still enjoyed in the fact these changers are inspiring and bettering of self-acceptance and love.
As many other people in the world I have endured a painful amount of loss, loss of grandparents, a secret, friends and a confusing amount of loss of presence that has struck me in rather damaging ways. In ways that have taught me toxic traits of secretism, hiding from reality in fear of hurt and not being true to myself in any way, shape or form. I fear that my opinions will hurt, confuse and destroy any current relationships within my life. A rocky road to begin with when the numerous amounts of hardships found in this modern-day life we have created. If there’s one thing I have learnt over the past few years, it is that loss is a sure thing in the world and one thing for sure you will inevitably grieve for this loss. I have hopelessly tried to understand and burry the fact that I’m grieving for so many things in a tiny amount of time. I have hidden in the shadows of acceptance and walked high in the street of false happiness.
So today let’s settle some truths, I am hardened to the world in a mysterious way. I have hidden myself in avoidance and I’m often confused with a heartless attitude. An angry face, blank stare can and often does come off as bitchy. Yet my emotions genuinely overflow in to a whirl wind, an uncontrollable and often tiresome series of events that turn to anger when in reality it’s a mixture of missing, grief and loneliness. No-one ever things there’s an underlying reason for the anger that spills out of me, they confuse it with alcohol indulgence and relationship squabbles when in reality my mind is tired, overwhelmed and frankly liquid ethanol is the only thing that allows me to be honest. Unfortunately for everyone including myself, it confuses my bundled-up feelings in to an out spill over anger, like red face she hulk anger that I never remember. No-one understands and I spiral back into my loneliness and hidden pain that frankly I don’t have the ability to express. You see I often feel alone, utterly heartbreakingly alone. I now know that this is in fact life and I cannot be swamped with attention and interest as much as I would desire. I cannot except happiness, excitement and intent to be flooded in masses 24/7. This isn’t something we have been created to withstand and with this we break in to pieces of exhaustion both physically, mentally and emotionally. I’ve been on both sides of this exhausting reality.
Which unfortunately where my hopelessness begins, I’m nowhere near hard done to or with a intense past of pain and misery but I have grown to accept this as a massive section of my life. Mysteriously hit with sadness and bowled down by depression, anxiety and a hint of paranoia that overloaded the past few years of my life. That has huddled me into a panned-out life where letting off steam comes in heaps and bounds of excess because I’m so tied down in my everyday life. From my career, to my relationships I’m barricaded by a hopeless attempt at being too scared of ever going back, to the point of my life where I was contemplating my worth on the planet.
And that is fucking sad in all fairness.