How many times will I let my own mental state take the back seat and my pride have shotgun? How many times will I let my ever-growing fear of letting people down overshadow the fact I’m mentally unprepared, unable and shamefully damaged.
Over the past six months, I’ve been pushing myself into high pressure, business critical and knowledge base situations without preparation or experience. I’ve been forcing myself to take higher responsibilities and bigger workloads with the belief I had it in control. That I could balance my work and my own mental capability and vulnerability with ease, however, it seems that I had begun to ignore the signs that everything wasn’t okay. I slipped back into covering it all with happy makeup, so well that even I didn’t notice the cracks. Then suddenly it bubbled over and I was wiping my tears in the street again. It all caught up with me and my depression has sucked me into its dark grasp once again, I wonder how long this will take to escape. For the longest time, I’ve been doing ok, not overly happy but nowhere near sad. Then it all hits, is it one particular thing or is it a build up of it all because I’m not mentally capable to take it on?
When I look back at what I have ‘achieved’ I see two ends to this sword, I see the bright, shiny and sharp side that shows me growing in every way through the past few months. My confidence, decisiveness and understanding has risen to give me the ability to gain this new role. Then I see the rusted and broken side that has no joy or growth, just the rore and painful realisation that I did not get to this position because I am worth it but because there was no other choice, I haven’t done what it takes to move to high position in under a year of working however just by turning up. I haven’t learnt new things I’ve just done guessing work that seems to have somewhat gone my way, no knowledge and barely even luck that it all went reasonably well. I toy and tease myself with the idea that I understand and should be proud of the things I have done over the past six months and get a buzz off, of telling people my title. Then I hear the sniggers echoing through my head, hear the questions and notice the discrete puzzled looks, questioning what I manage, questioning how I got to this position at this age this early on, questioning how it works when my career path started at marketing.
As long as it takes for me to finally realise I need to look after myself, I need to cherish and look out for my mental health. I’m hoping I’ve already come to that realisation, I’m hoping I stick to my guns and make sure I’m at least content with how things are going before I think about what everyone else’s opinion.