Twenties are simply the best and worst decade you live through. I’m torn between getting my shit together or ruining my life every night for joys of alcohol-infused dancing. You see there’s a common divide I have discovered within my age group, one side is settling down with kids and even houses of their own whereas others are smacked out drunk every night and frankly I’m so not sure which one I’d rather be running towards.
Some days I want to get my shit together and work towards my own house, an amazing career and a family that I can provide for at such a young age. Then again I’m determined never to move out of my parents’ house, work to get enough money to fulfil my alcohol focused holidays and enjoy the fact I’m only just beginning.
Although, at the moment I feel I’m at a standstill, not moving forward or even backwards, I’m just standing amid my life waiting for something exciting to happen. I know, I know your only 21 get a fucking grip, don’t worry I tell myself every day but something within me is screaming for something more. But here I am worrying about where I stand and if really I’ve trapped myself in the corporate world of not being able to do anything but work till I’m under the ground or in my case (much to my boyfriend’s horror) on a boat in the middle of a lake with an arrow flying toward me to set me a light in old-time Viking style. What do we have to do to feel we are living for the right reason? How do we prove to ourselves that it’s okay because I’m only young when as a society we are smothered with teen and young death as I feel that I’m never going to fulfil my desire because for one I have no idea what they are and frankly I don’t have the motivation, energy or time to achieve them because I’m so reliant on the stream of money the ‘corporate world’ provides for me. After all, I need bar tabs, football matches and gym pass to keep the sanity at an even level of just below crazy.
I’m scared that I will live for the weekends until they frankly don’t exist and I’m pissed at myself for not completing college. I’m annoyed that I let myself down with a career I could be in love with because I couldn’t ‘hack’ it. It makes me feel sick that I gave up so easily. I feel I need something to keep my life ‘running’ in the right direction which is where I feel I should have my shit together. Unfortunately, my over perfectionist trait has desired a dream of a muddle between the two lives I see around me, I’m searching for myself in career and overly drunken stories.
My mental health has created an underlining fear of failure so joining the grown-up world so to speak, it’s something I’m unable to let slide and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. I have battled with who I want to be and where I fit in for a long time but now, I feel it’s coming up to the years where I have to get my head down before I miss out on my shot to survive in the world. I feel like if I blink another 20 years have gone and I’m still in the same circle of corporate weekend wishing that I so dream of escaping.
I often question myself with actions of am I doing it right? Should I be doing this? What is everyone else doing? These are the things that stop me in my tracks of diving headfirst into something I couldn’t even dream of. Not that I’m living miserably at the moment but I’m just utterly terrified I’m not living at all.