Unfortunately, I have fallen victim yet again to this undesirability to ever leave my bed. The warmth and peace suck me in and I can’t bare to leave this relaxation into the stress that awaits me on the other side of my bedroom door. Maybe it’s not the relaxation that keeps me trapped inside my room, hiding under the duvet like a kid who swears their dressing gown on the back of the door is death staring them down. It’s probably the fact that I’m unable to tackle every day life without something breathing down my back constantly pitching in and niggling at my hopeful mind. I’m sure many people will have experienced this monster that straps you down to your blankets in a rotten deluded way of slowly trying to stop you living a life you must participate in. Or I can guarantee that everyone will have experienced the ‘I’m never leaving my bed’ phase especially when winter comes, so you can relate with my impossibility to bring myself to move to some slight extent. This monster is constantly there, dragging down my mind and bullying me in to this position where I self-loath, self-hate and tragically abuse.
My abuser, the one that keeps me locked inside my duvet is myself, you see and yet again I’m devoting myself to depression utterly and completely hook line and sinker becoming it. I cannot get through one day without it. I can never escape this modern day phenomenon, it follows me on dates, to the office and family gatherings waiting to pounce on to anything that could remotely mean improvement, contentment or forgetting in the slightest. Reminding me of every single pain I have encountered in one bubble of blackness creating a dazed teary mess that cannot connect and only result in returning to its slumber to allow this beast to take over me. Frightfully stopping me sleeping, eating and even brushing my hair for several days at a time, unfortunately for me this creates a whirlwind of disgust pushing me further in to this blackness that I try to shine any bit of light on to. This monster, of course, is my very own mental health something that many of us don’t really understand but will have encountered at least five people with mental health issues throughout the six months. Poor mental health is something that is talked about in niche areas that isn’t widely understood or even believed, I have said before and I’ll say again we are as a society are completely okay with rushing over to sign someone’s cast but when it comes to an anxiety attack of hyperventilating or having a breakdown in the street we cross the road or speed past ignoring because we do not understand. For me this is something that really hits home, as many of my ‘bad days’ have accrued while in the public eye, throughout the past two to three years of struggling with poor mental health I have cried in the street, had anxiety attacks in shopping centres and broke down on the bus numerous times yet I’ve been stopped once. About one in a hundred have stopped to check i’m ok and this particular time just happened to be the I was standing over a bridge not even contemplating jumping in the slightest but it told me that generally people can care or they suddenly do when it’s a small line of life or not so.
Yet again I’ve had to push both my mental and physical boundaries to the very limit. To the point, this weekend had been splashed with self-loathing, anger and spouts of anxiety because I am unable to achieve throughout the other five days of the week. I’m left feeling drained when this monster finally leaves me for a few days. And I begin to wonder if I can inspire to improve mental health issues, give my take on how to battle depression and anxiety.
I found this Ted Talk and needed to share it. The Power Of Vulnerability by Brené Brown, where she discusses humanity and our ability to empathize, belong and love. This is everything that needs to be in talks.