I’ve thought long and hard about who I am, why I’m here and what I’m meant to be doing.
At the very peak of my depression I would taunt and bully myself into believing I didn’t have a purpose, a path or even a certified present and future. This created a heavy and intense impact on me to the point of complete and utter breakdown. In all honesty it was a pretty vain act, I became self-obsessed and hateful. Living in a body and mind that I despised, I could only focus on myself and everything I hated. I’ve been obsessed with my actions, emotions, mental and physical well-being as well as constant and insanely intense improvement. I would constantly compare myself to everyone around me (a human thing to do of course.) Unfortunately for me it became mixed with my anxiety leaving me exhausted, hateful and afraid to come into contact with anyone else. Due to making myself public enemy number one, being thrown into full and unadmitted force. I’m now able to admit I’m a little hard on myself and by that, I mean a lot. I can manage my hatred with some sort of ease. Although I pulled myself to the very bottom of self-love at every opportunity.
I’m eagar to change, why? Because I hated who I was, I hated and continue to hate feeling like I’m not good enough for anybody being scared of my feelings.In constant worry that in fact I don’t feel at all, not love, not happiness, not pain. I need others attention, sympathy and recognition to stay sane and continue to get through the day. I need to improve my body because it is partially titanium making me less of an attractive woman especially sporting the ever-daunting full back scar, something on the lines of Frankenstein’s Monster. I felt I needed to change because I was convinced that everything that has ever been said about me is painfully true, convinced that every whisper of big jaw, long face and eyes that are a likeliness of a back-alley druggie made me despising to my peers. Many others around my age has similar feelings that destroy every inch of them for numerous factors that no one can fully understand. It’s a rising and self-destroying theme.
It has taken being on my own to finally break free of the self-contained, low self-esteem and damaging insecurity that was surrounding me on a daily basis. Of course, I’ve never been alone but I relied heavily on a handful of people to constantly keep me away from the verge of breaking point, I didn’t take in to consideration they also had a life to keep in control. When they moved forward with their life into a different city, I learnt how to talk myself down from the bridge so to speak, how to ease myself from a panic attack and learn to talk about my feelings, thoughts and experiences without breaking down while allowing others to share with me without taking on and bullying myself with their life that I couldn’t control. I learnt to control my emotions and, in part, bury my tears and put them on lock down for a while. I learnt that I’m improving insanely and by god I should be proud of that.
My daily life consisted of trying to make others happy before myself, ensure others are feeling okay, are proud, loved and listened to all while ignoring the self-love I needed, belittling my needs and becoming insanely needy of attention that I was genuinely starved of. I needed a daily reminder that I was loved, I begged to hear anything that would boost my declining self-care even just for a few seconds of my life. I felt worthless that my opinion, choices and feelings didn’t matter which in turn created my paranoia and insane insecurity that I’m going to be hurt. I wouldn’t talk and would use “dunno” as a cover to what I really wanted, covering my embarrassment of my choice or stop awkward why not questions overloading my brain into a meltdown.