I’ve stood at the edge looking over between the life I have and the hopeless ending I believed I deserved, I’ve used every ounce of hatred into hurting myself, planning and thinking about what I thought was the inevitability that my life would lead down. I’ve wrote letters and decluttered my life in the belief and hope I could do it this time. I’ve cried endlessly at the thought of how I was living, I’ve been angry and distant. I’ve been self-obsessed and hurt in every aspect of the words – I’ve felt guilty and ashamed that I feel so badly when people out there are far worse off. If we’re being honest, I’ve felt so emotionally, mentally and physically drained that I basically met death themselves; the thing in the hooded cloak with a scythe and the devil as their boss, that waits for you to join them in the realm eagerly. The shivers of loneliness they leave but the overindulgent of pure and utter peace that they can promise, gave me hope. Hope that what I was feeling would go, what I was suffering would leave and at the end I’d feel nothing but thankfulness that the screaming in my head had finally stopped. Gave me something I couldn’t forget or leave behind, something I never thought I would overcome. I was stuck in the revolving motion of endlessly choosing between the two. Contemplating my life and death in a spiral of the ups and downs of my mental health.
For a handful of moments in my life I believed I couldn’t do it anymore, I’ve been honest and open about the fact I felt to weak and drained to move forward. I’ve expressed my fears and hopelessly began shutting down without even noticing it myself. I stopped feeling aggressively and became an empty shell of the fun-loving cheeky kid I once was. That was my rock bottom, completely drained utterly empty. I was looking over my life like I was already gone, staggering through the daily grind without feeling anything in-between, this feeling pushed me further into my darkness because I couldn’t express it to anyone. I was looking down at myself seeing how I hated what I was doing every day without being able to change any aspect of the life I hated.
I felt the end and stumbled past it.
I avoided it by the sheer encouragement and a snippet of blackmail from my other half – I wouldn’t like to say my better half or my worse half because he has indeed been both in equal measure. An encouragement, a shoulder and by god the biggest pain I have ever met. He’s made me cry and made me laugh insanely! We’ve argued and ran in equal measure through my mental health issues. He‘s been the target of many episodes of tears, anger and avoidance, while dealing with his own stresses, strains and worries that young men in modern society have to deal with as well. That often gets swept under the rug, why? Because they are raised, reminded and promised that they are not men if they have mental health issues, not men if they cry or have feelings. Its bullshit in all aspects of it. But that’s another point to have.
I’m now not stood nowhere near the edge, or even looking death in the face and smiling. I’m not crying into my sleeve, standing alone in the street watching the moments merge into darkness. I’m walking in to 2020 with an open mind on the greatness I can achieve. The contentment I’m able to find and the utter empowerment I can learn to grow and evolve into. I’m prepared and fully motivated for the stand of improvement, the wish of creating someone or something I would be proud to splatter through the world like an “admire the beautiful” graffiti extravaganza! I know, I’m blowing my own trumpet but I have learnt over the years of bullying myself, standing alone wishing I was someone else that no one else will blow it for you – no one will encourage or be more proud of the journey you have taken than yourself. I’m surrounded by love and I know how lucky I am for that – but I have stood alone, I have cried alone, and I have carried on alone. All my own accord because I cannot admit that I’m suffering, struggling in a life I should be okay with. I hide my weaker side or what I thought was a weaker side of myself to protect myself and others from the mess of which I am. So, I will be proud of where I have come, I will be proud of every breakdown, every burst of anger and every time I have stumbled on, why? Because I did it, I got up after the world and my own mind turned against me. And here I am stumbling my way through my twenties in the sheer hope of contentment! Like everyone else my age I have been turned down, heartbroken and dying from the hangover from hell one too many times than I’d like to admit. But I have pinned every hope of happiness onto the future life I wish to create and by god I’m not gunner let my deeply depression routed persona be let down by another fake hope.
Something that has taken me far too many years to learn that pain is relative, I’m allowed to feel bad about the littlest things even if others have illnesses, grief and addiction to deal with when I’ve dropped a peanut and gone into breakdown of breathless tears. That’s okay… I know it’s hard to think or get in the habit of believing when you’re in the depths of your crippling depression. But I promise once you realise it’s all relative and kick the guilty shadow you carry around with you – we’re ready to step, stumble, fall or run through to a place where you’re not ready to meet death. We have developed a society where we compare every aspect of everything, which in itself is terribly sad but to compare pains from one person to another is unrealistic and rather depressive. To try and make someone feel better by saying words like “it’s not that bad”, “there are people worse off than you” & “suck it up” does just the opposite and spikes their depressive periods into a far darker place. I’ve felt it and let me tell you it’s shit beyond belief. I’ve laid in bed and hoped for something terrible to justify the fact I’m feeling so low, prayed that I would suffer like those worse than me, so I’m allowed to feel like this without judgement. I’ve beat myself with the thought of why the hell am I so sad when my life is basically unicorns and rainbows. I’ve felt sick at the thought that I’m making it up and it has followed me around in everything I have done in my life, every flicker of sadness I’ve been obsessed with, rethinking and worrying. Every tense hurting conflict I’ve blamed myself even when I’m the one getting hurt.
But here I am, I’ve made it to a side where I’m moving forward in tiny baby steps of improvement. I’ve improved in confidence and trained my mind to believe I’m good enough to survive so to speak. And when I say trained, I mean legit trained, practiced, forced and taught my mind to an increase in love, happiness and expel negative thoughts but this was only possible because I took the plunge to seek help in the face of a green and white pill. This magical capsule worked insanely well for me, it gave me the freedom from my suicidal tendencies to work on training my mind, to put the time, motivation and effort in to improving and really nailing down my negative thoughts. Without this I wouldn’t have been able to even think about learning to change my thought process, learning to accept and ease up on the fact I can’t control everything. It is a slow process but if you are a follower of my posts (thank you first and foremost) you’ll have noticed that Medical Trial : The first steps to contentment , wasn’t that long ago but don’t take this as a guide of when you should be improving more of an example it came be done, you can come back from rock bottom just the same. I know it’s hard to see, believe or trust right now but stay on the edge don’t take the leap.
I have come off my meds and I’m taking it one step at a time to not need them no longer. Don’t get me wrong I’m not ashamed I was on them and I’m fully happy to go back on them if I need to but that wasn’t a step I wanted to take, it wasn’t a road I wanted to walk down and at first I felt obsessively crazy that I had to be on them. I felt crazy and ashamed that I couldn’t control my emotions. But to tell you the truth for me they were the helping hand I needed and of course I know I’d still be on them if I hadn’t had to luck I have had over the past few months to turn my life around about a quarter of an inch into the right direction. I’ve had blow backs and times I felt I couldn’t do anything anymore but I managed it out of sheer force.
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