Undoing a path of self-destruction

Undoing a path of self-destruction

My mum always taught me if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.  

For the most part, I one hundred and ten percent agree with this statement, however, it doesn’t seem all kids were taught the same respect I was and I absolutely ignored from time to time. In school there, of course, were bullies or people labelling cruel words as ‘banter’ or a ‘joke’. That probably made many kids times in school a living hell, I wasn’t bullied per say. It was never a recurring thing throughout the entirety of my school years, but I did have words said about me and snide remarks. Mainly aimed at the fact I was about as skinny as a string of pasta, the fact my face goes bright red every time you talk to me or the fact my chin is a similar size to old brucey. Most of these I never noticed or even concerned me before I started secondary school, how convenient from students. These things were more heartbreaking at the time and I would be devastated whenever they were brought up, my heart would drop and I’d be some steps closer to believing I’m worthless. I was suppressing my anger, sadness and embarrassment into an overpowering feeling I couldn’t push down for long and unfortunately sooner or later I would learn that my hatred had stemmed from these times and of course many others.  I would wear baggy clothes, look down in class or walking around and cover my face whenever I was eating to try and hide my most vulnerable targets. Although, these habits have reared their faces in and out of my adult life from time to time.   

The highlight of these tiny imperfections ruined any chance of loving myself or even excelling throughout school in terms of popularity, conversationally or the ability to answer questions. I was more the type of go get it done and leave, I’m pretty much still going by this in my working life. Since leaving school people would remind me that school times were the best you’ll ever live and I can’t quite understand that. I hated school and I would never dream of going back, of course, work is no picnic in the park but school was a whole different kettle of fish with personalities clashing, popularity groups dividing and teachers that frankly didn’t have the time for you. 

 However, no matter what anyone says we’ll have all said harsh things whether it was deserved or we were just following the crowd. Without even thinking about their feelings or never even realising we’ve said something that could be so hurtful. The thing is many things that happen in secondary school will stay with you. For me, it did just that and then followed a series of unfortunate events that led me down the path of my depressive period that ruled 2 to 3 years of my life. I did believe everything that was ever said about me and it controlled my self-confidence for a long time worrying that everyone closest to me truly hated me, thought I was ugly and boring. I had constantly reflected on these events, that they became part of me and I believed them too much and began utterly destroying any self-love I ever had.  Of course, there’s no cure for lack of confidence and self-destruction it’s a matter of time and practice.  

Laughing behind my back was my biggest fear resulting in constant arguments with my boyfriend, withdrawal and a destructive relationship with myself. Eventually leading to a drop out in college from courses I really enjoyed and thought I possibly could excel in and months of doing nothing but money searching which has fuelled my existence ever since.  I have been embarrassed by myself and the battle will forever continue to tire me into my own mental block.  However, as I realise that I’m worth what I have achieved, what I have overcome and what I’m working towards and to be completely honest I have never been more proud of myself for what I have managed to overcome and I’m slowly starting to love myself in the weirdest mix of hateful and empowerment.  

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