As an emotional writer I have the tendencies of writing down every single heavy emotion that I feel or go through down into a blog, a diary or an insanely awkward letter that I will find later on in my life when I have recovered from that particular emotional pitfall. Realising I am in fact an outright drama queen peering into the irrationally insane spectrum.
Throughout my writing experiences I have always put my feelings deep inside everything I write, emotional blogging in regards to mental health, body image and disastrous moments has always being something that just clicks with me, something that makes me cringe as I read them back years later. (Although during lockdown I am trying to prove myself wrong.) I don’t want to hear any kind of emotion because I automatically head to the title of ‘you’re weak’, ‘you’re embarrassing’ and ‘you’re stupid’ for ever having these feelings in the first place. Which unfortunately I fear Admire The Beautiful is going to be the same, I will outgrow the negatives feelings towards body image or relationship dramas and look back at the blogs I have previously cried within rolling my eyes in disbelief. Not even feeling any kind of upset that had previously destroyed me. Cringing at the thought of Admire like I have done years before with tumblr, fighting the life and photoeverydayblog. All failed and embarrassing attempts at being the inspirational person I dream to be. The work I have and continue to put into writing what I feel without protecting myself in anyway to show my true version of mental health issues, will all soon be something I’m embarrassed to look over.
Recently I have been going through old things in disbelief that I let myself be this open in my quest for happiness, open about my fears that I don’t even share over the internet or the emotions I have been overrun with, with no fear for the backlash that could await me. It makes me sad that I’m allowing myself to feel that I shouldn’t be expressing these things and that I should be embarrassed for trying to show what I’m feeling, never mind the expression of my mental health breakdowns. Including but not limited to failing, suicidal tendencies and my tragic self-confidence. I believed that I should feel bad about allowing myself the opportunity to be open, to be some kind of inspiration or loved because of it all. Being Molly I will not allow myself any kind of break, any kind of kindness or understanding when it comes to my own mental health issues but I’m empowered to make sure everyone else knows mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of, we should entrust ourselves to be proud of the journey we are heading through and be ‘happy’ with the fact we made it. Not to mention that I’m always prepared and utterly willing to drop everything for anyone near or at breaking point.
Red faced or not I will have come through the other side of my mental health issues, the ones I cried while writing, the outburst of emotion that I couldn’t keep bottled up because everything got too much and the ones that I posted without a second thought are all proof that I made it. I overcame and accomplished my problems head on and as I’m staring back at the person, I used to be in all these post I will know I have made it. Future Molly will look over her shoulder and realise the person she is today would never have happened if I didn’t keep going, if I didn’t keep searching for a job after endless rejection, if I didn’t believe that I could do it without qualifications and if I didn’t convince myself I’m worth every tear. You can hear it in the post I’m trying to assure myself all of the above, to promise that I should be okay with who I am, happy with the progress I am making and proud of every step I have taken in-between. Of course counting all the cringe fest post as proof.
She may be as embarrassed as I am today of the one, I used to be, but I’m happy I was able to express myself. That I could actually bring myself to write down anything and everything. I was moulding it into some kind of story to break the attachment, we all already knew I had. Try and break away from the blogs when I should embody them with everything I have. Proud.